By: Phillip Mattie
Are you bad with names? Do you forget dates and times when you don’t write them down? Or maybe, on a larger scale, you can’t pick out details in larger seminars, remember information, or adequately summarize what was said. Often, people chalk these problems up to a “bad memory.” I will tell you right now, there is no such thing as a bad memory, only an underdeveloped memory, one that has been neglected due to poor listening habits. That’s right, if you can’t remember basic information such as names, dates, or any other information that is verbally communicated, you are a bad listener. Don’t worry, though. It’s an easy fix; you just have to understand the why.
Why you are a bad listener
The simple answer: If you are a bad listener, you are a passive listener. You are not engaged in any mental or emotional way. You let the information pass through you rather than reach out and grab it, holstering it. Your problem is that you have no attachment to the information. Maybe you believe that you’re simply not interested, or that the information being discussed or presented is beneath you, and so you distance yourself from it. Don’t. Just, don’t. No information is beneath you; at the very least, you should be able to respect others’ opinions, and hey, you might get something out of the process anyway.
Another reason your listening skills are sub-par is because you are too self conscious. When you meet someone for the first time, maybe at a job interview, for example, and you shake that person’s hand, I know that it’s a stressful situation. First impressions last a lifetime, and a bad one is a difficult thing to overcome. But that nervousness, that stress, is the good kind of stress, the good kind of nervousness. It activates your brain, forces you into a state of readiness and mental awareness. So embrace that feeling; don’t try to squash it. Accept it and realize that it is a tool that switches your brain ON! so that you aren’t lethargic.
Another issue people have is this idea that they need to focus on themselves: “What do I need to say, do, think, look, express…?” Your mind will lead you down a rabbit hole of self-consciousness, and this way of thinking really damages your listening ability. Instead, when you meet someone, you should be focussing on what he or she is saying, not what your reply should be. Being self-conscious is why you are bad with names and dates; you focus so much on what you should be doing that you aren’t focused on what the other person is saying. You are so focused on the firm handshake, the timbre of your voice when you say your name, the eye contact you need to maintain, the rotation of your shoulders as you face this new person, everything. But, if you simply listen, and I mean really listen, to what they say, then everything that you are so self conscious about is performed naturally. When you really listen and focus on what is said, then eye contact is made easily, naturally, you are square to the person, the handshake is natural, and what is more, you remember.
What you can do to improve your listening skills
First, take notes. This action is so simple, so obvious that it should go without saying, but it’s too important to not have it on this list. Now, there are some key tactics that you need to implement when taking notes. The first is this: Don’t write everything down. Every seminar, every speech is going to have a main idea or thesis statement, and it’ll be near the beginning of the presentation. Listen for it and write it down in your own words, which will help you carve the thought into your brain. After you know what the main idea is, listen for topic sentences—differentiate between topic sentences and details—here’s how: on a presentation that uses an overhead, the topics are on the slideshow whereas the supporting details and statistics are verbalized, unless extremely important. In a speech, listen for conjunctive adverbs. These adverbs are words like Firstly, Secondly, Therefore, etc. Do a quick Google search for a comprehensive list. But these words will tell you when the speaker is moving from topic to detail, topic to topic, topic to conclusion, and are extremely important to the format and progression of speeches.
Second, ask questions. Or better yet, write questions down so that when the opportunity arises, you may ask politely rather than interrupt a presentation or seminar. It is considered extremely rude to give counter arguments as a presentation is being done. Save it for the end; there is always a question and answer period afterwards. And, if you write your questions down and the presenter answers it during the course of his or her presentation, then you saved yourself the trouble of asking, and him/her the trouble of stopping the presentation.
Finally, be an active listener. Remember, before, you were a passive listener, letting the information pass through you. Active listening is all about grabbing onto that information and wrangling it for all its worth. There are other, even simpler things besides taking notes and asking questions that you can do to become an active listener, which include nodding, mouthing the words of the presenter, making eye contact , leaning forward rather than backward, among others. My uncle liked to have a small scrap of paper in his hand that he’d roll, unroll, and roll again. One of my favourites is rephrasing the information being given to me into my own words and associating that information with an idea or philosophy. Categorizing things can often help people remember them better.
Remember. That’s the key, here: Remembering. The best, easiest way to do so is to listen, and listen well. Don’t be self-conscious, don’t worry about your nerves, just listen carefully and everything will fall into place. Take notes, ask questions, nod, mouth the words of your presenter, lean forward, squint, make eye contact; don’t let your mind draw you out of the conversation. Subject matter is no excuse. So remember the name of the next person you meet. Remember the date of your next meeting. Just remember.